This is hands down the hardest entry that I have to make.
So today I'm about to share my life experience of going through the 'd' episode.
Okay. So to start off, I'm the type of person who never and HATES to cry in front of my bloodlines.
But why tho?
Idk. I just simply hate to show that side of me to them.
But ofc it did happen. But I really didn't want to tho. But it was for the best for me at the moment.
But only my parents la got to see it. Most of them are because of me not being able to achieve what I target in my life. I didn't pass my interview, I didn't pass the driving test and I got accepted to uni with the course that I actually want but have to take ptptn. I just couldn't accept it because I had this whole plan in my head that I HAD and NEEDED to accomplish in my life.
Before reaching to this climax, I'd been losing my appetite. I forced myself to eat only to find myself to spill out all of the food that I tried to fill my stomach. I hardly sleep till to the extend where I cry myself to sleep. Because I really and desperately just want a good deep sleep. But my head just won't let me.
It had been about two weeks of me being this miserable mess and the clock was showing 1:46 am. And my head was so full of thoughts and it was throbbing like it was about to explode.
I remember Aina texted me, asking me what was wrong and I tried ranting to her but still, my head just couldn't get any better. The voices in my head were loud af.
"You're such a loser and you're forever destined to be a loser." "You always caused people so many problem. Just what's with you? Can't you be any worse?" "I think the world must be way better if you weren't borned." "Dahla hodoh pastu menyusahkan orang pulak. Pebende sia."
These are the voices in my head. I was being so hard on myself and I hate to admit that I'm still having hard times dealing with this up until today. lol.
So I texted Aina beforehand asking for her opinion if I should go downstairs and be transparent with my dad about what I'd been feeling that past few weeks. So she said "Yes."
I went downstairs and I found my dad was asleep with the tv on.
Again. My head went like "Kesian ayah tidur. Pastu kau kacau dia malam buta ni. Tak habisx2 menyusahkan orang la kau ni."
But I walked to my dad anyway. Because I know this is what's for the best for me.
I woke up my dad and told him "Ayah, ina nak luah something boleh x?"
My dad approved and then sat up straight.
And then I said "Ina rase ina ni menyusahkan orang jela."
My voice cracked. I was looking down the whole time. Unable to meet eyes with my dad.
As I was looking down, tears started dropping onto my lap making tiny wet spots.
As I stuttered, I continued telling him that I felt completely useless. I felt like I was just meant to be a loser my whole life.
My dad was completely speechless and shocked seeing that side of me that night. And thinking of it, I really didn't regret making that decision. It was definitely what was the best for me.
After that incident, my parents have been taking care of me so well. I remember my dad always brought me to eat breakfast outside every morning and literally brought me anywhere he went. No matter if it was involving his work. Btw, this was during the holidays I had after finishing my matric last year.
He also asked me to bring Tulips to come over my house. Even if she can't, my dad was willing to fetch her for me.
Looking back at all of my dad's efforts, I'm so deeply touched seeing how he constantly dropped everything just to make sure I was okay and I lived feeling happier.
I really don't tell my dad enough how much I'm so grateful for having him as my dad. Despite having that tough image on the outside that he puts on for the world to see, at the end of the day, he's only a father who loves his daughter and deserves to feel reassured that he's love and appreciated. So ever since then, I always make sure that I tell him "I love you" when every time it reaches the end of the call no matter how awkward and bizarre it would feel. No matter how hard it is to kill the ego after years of not expressing it.
I also want to express my gratitude for Tulips for coming over to my house every day just to keep me company and to take care of me. Even though, she's the type of person who "susah nak bergerak" because she fully depends on her parents to drop her off, she really went out of the way just to see me everyday. She was also there for me during the old 'd' episode in the "Words worth to be spoken" entry. I remember when I passed my driving test, Tulips was the person that I was most excited to share the news. I passed the test on the very same date as today. 26th July 2019. That's why I decided to post this entry today. I even secretly recorded her reaction when I told her that I passed the test. lol.
To most people, this might seem like just a small thing and doesn't cost a big deal.
But for me, it is. Because I'm a bad driver obviously. lol.
To sum up this entry, I am so incredibly grateful for having these few people in my circle to save me during this episode of my life. Everyone was being so supportive and just wanted to make sure I ate well. Though, boleh kire dalam kepale je quantity dia, at the of the day, that's all that matters.
Quality over quantity.
