It hurts. It actually hurts me a lot. I've been like this for quite a while but now I found out that it's extremely unbearable so that's why this little confession was written I guess. But somehow, I can still manage myself by putting on a smile and laughed off your criticisms about me like they are nothing.
It's hard to feel and act like nothing when people start to criticize about your insecurities. Like seriously I really don't get it. People who can say negative things to someone without feeling any regret terrify me. I just don't understand how can you bring someone to their breaking point and not feel bad. How can you be so cruel in that way ? You have no idea how much your words killing me inside and make me turn into a crying mess without even being comforted. I always be the one that comforts myself all the time because no one ever be there for me when my life gets tough. No one can ever be there for me to rub my back and says "It's gonna be okay." It's always have to be me who wipe my own tears, pick my own self back up and keep going. It's me. It is me the cause to keep living and be strong. But, what do you guys know about me ? All you guys do is bad mouthing me 24/7 non stop.
It's embarrassing when I have to quickly wipe away my tears, mirroring myself and try to make the best fake smile that I can ever do so that I can prepare myself everytime I hear someone coming into my room because you don't tell people you're not okay because it's hard watching them not know what to do. Then you end up comforting them, even though the one who needed comforting was you. My parents ask me why I stay in my room all the time. I guess they don't know that they yell at me for little mistakes, criticize everything I do and make me feel bad for being myself. Coming out of my room is living one of the worse place ever, I would say.
I know. I really do know that I'm really at my lowest point now, but, you guys please just at least give a try to understand me. Do not even bother remind me about my insecurities because it's just irritating. Like can you guys just tell me how do you want me to react to your criticisms ? Is it sounds like this "Oh, that's so bad. How can this happen to me ? OMG thank you so much for telling me. I wouldn't have known if you don't tell me just now." That completely sounds like the most stupid thing ever, I can say. I know some people will say "Knpe rumit sgt ni ? Bsr sgt ke mslh you ?" or something unpleasant like that but I just want you take a moment and try to be in my shoes and feel what it feels like to be me. You don't know how long I keep these things all for myself. I feel like dying. Keeping all these things for so long make me feel so tired. I lose my sleep every night, crying in my bed. Coaxing myself to be strong and tomorrow will be less pain. You don't know how much I cried every time I'm in my prayer. But, I'm just not lucky. You must have known that Allah created our hearts different. There will be the tough one and there will be the most breakable one. You can't compare me with you because our hearts don't work the same. Please understand that in life, there will the time you're on the highest and there will be the time you're on the lowest. But in the end, everything will always turn out to be okay because Allah always keeps His promises.
I honestly just need someone to come into my life that really genuinely cares about me and wants to sit and have long conversations about things that actually matter. Who wants to go on adventures late at night and wants to be there for me at my lowest points and at my highest points. Someone who is my rock, who keeps me going when my life gets tough. Someone that can sing me "Who Says" song instead of Selena Gomez herself. Someone who knows all my weaknesses, mistakes and still thinks I'm completely amazing, is absolutely priceless and there's nothing more that I could ever ask for than that.
By that, I want to take a chance here to thank all my friends who know the story behind this entry. Thank you so much for all those comforting words. Thanks for giving me a chance to let go all the things that go wild inside of me. You make me feel so relieved than you ever thought. Even my family don't do that as you guys. I don't tell you everyday how thankful I am for you. But, just know, deep down inside, I am truly blessed to have you in my life and to share so many memories with you. Please stay in my life forever because you're one of the best things to ever happen to me. Special thanks for my classmate, my tablemate, my best friend aka my fav punching bag, Nur Kamilia. Thank you for being there for me even it's already 2 am just to listen to all the things that I'm going through. You're the only person that knows that I'm not okay when I'm really not okay even you can't see me deep in the eyes. It's just a chat though. But it's absolutely amazing that she can know it. You're probably the first person that does that. Although you always say "Khai, sye mntk maaflh sbb sye x thu dh nk ckp npe." and make an innocence emoji after that, I still really appreciate it. That's the nicest thing that people can ever do for me so, thank you for existing in my life and be there for me when I really wanted to scream. I really appreciate all these beautiful people with beautiful hearts that Allah gave me. Goshhh. I'm literally crying my heart out just by remembering that I still have these blessings. Alhamdulillah, Allahhu :')
But, I promise you guys that, there will be my brighter day where you guys can no longer bad mouthing about me because on that day, everything about me seem so perfect until there's no single negative thing that passes through your mind. That day, I'm going to be everything you ever wished for and you can't even have a chance to talk to me because you get what you deserve.
There's a lot more I want to say here just to make sure that my heart can get enough rest at last after burdens so many things. Maybe there will be some people that say "Lol ! Knpe emo sngt 😂" or "Dtg bln ke ape die ni". No. Just no. I'm not period or anything. I just want to let you know that I'm speak for the heart. Nothing more. And lastly, for those people who "Siapa yang makan cili, dia yang terasa pedas", I hope you're not mad at me for the words that I'm wAllahhi not faking.
So, that's all for this entry. Thanks for reading and may Allah bless you 🙂
